Emotional Allowance

Today I am writing about emotional processing because I need to get in the habit of processing emotions and blogging, so I might as well do both at once. Unbelievably, it has been a full year since I created this website and I haven’t gotten close to accomplishing what I’d like to do on here- which is to talk about de-stressing the process of managing a small budget. Most of the people I am friends with in the entrepreneurship community are focused on the responsibility to earn higher profits so that business becomes more manageable, but none of their rhetoric really brings me back to the roots of dealing with the emotions I felt as a brand new 27 year old housewife who suddenly finds out she is pregnant when she doesn’t even have a job to supplement the income of a husband working as a retail, non-commission-based salesman of big box electronics… who didn’t even get 30 hours of work most weeks!

Last night I saw a brief comment of thanks by a homeschooler in a private facebook group I am in, which briefly referenced a disagreement between one of our women and her father. Her grandfather has some religious prominence, and I felt sad that her grandfather’s legacy isn’t being carried on by his son. So I have to process this because it triggered a cascade of emotions and some emotional eating last night, and then some emotional rage cleaning today even after I tried processing my emotions about the situation today on a zoom call. (I’m not great at emotional processing, so I signed up for this course to get better at both it and at managing hunger and appetite… because emotional eating kind of snowballed after the aforementioned season of poverty)

I loved being homeschooled when I was younger, and there was a lot of ambiguous threats directed at homeschooling during the 1990’s from state and national lawmakers of all kinds. It wasn’t a familiar phenomenon, and there was a ton of prejudice. The joy and freedom afforded by homeschooling stimulated a ton of families to dive deeper into faith and obedience and really take to task their opinion of the meaning of faith and obedience.

So experiencing this situation where a family was really not in good health made me feel shame about all the vulnerabilities of homeschooling. The most meaningful risk of homeschooling, for me, is that people grow up in Christian homeschool families, fail to build deep faith, discover the weaknesses in their parents’ faith, and abandon the faith. This is compounded by the fact that my cousin left her family and her faith and her husband and changed her sexual orientation after graduating with faith, going to bible college, and getting married.

Since Gina Carano just got fired, I just had this horrible thought: What if my cousin, who looks like Gina and is bi, gets chosen to replace Gina because she’s bi and that makes you more powerful in this society?

I’ve lost a job trying to make a gay woman feel more at home in my conservative presence and make her feel welcome because trying to be nice and learn how she felt made her feel judged. It’s weird how powerless conservatives are in this world. Growing up, I thought I could have deeply held values but be nice enough that people felt valued with me. When I discovered that this was not only true, but this left me without a paycheck and afraid that I wouldn’t be able to afford food and diapers for my baby only a few months later, I just hated it. I felt powerless. I felt frightened. I felt slandered. I felt betrayed. I was really confused, because people should not be manipulative like that. We should hold our own beliefs and treat each other with respect..

I was thinking about Rush limbaugh and the feeling of accusation against people who are fans of limbaugh. I feel like there’s this sheepskin under my skin and lead fists punching at me from inside the sheepskin. This constant accusation from the liberals is the punching and then the sheepskin is the actual innocence of valuing all people and the innocence of wanting all people to become prosperous and empowered. It’s a double edged sword. Rush Limbaugh’s impeccably prophetic interpretation of liberal culture vs. the world. He predicted the affordable care act when Hillary started taking over health care debates as a non-elected individual in 1993.
Then there’s the image of being lied to by liberals. Big fluffy pink helium balloons of death air that look all floaty but float up to your lungs and pop and blow out all the oxygen in your lungs. Looking so freaking innocent and then destroying the lives they claim to protect.
Then there’s guilt, inordinate and unexpected guilt. SUddenly and unexpectedly launched across facebook, tied to a fifty pound lead ball with a razor wire that lassos the lungs and pulls them straight through the belly with sharp force. As resilient as the lungs are, they stretch and are deftly sliced by the razor sharp wire. There goes your breathing.

Laura Dixon says that you’re supposed to be objective as possible. Well…. that the emotion isn’t supposed to feel like a problem. I don’t want to die, I just am tired of feeling like I’m about to be killed. I am clearly doing this wrong.

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