I don’t actually know what I am feeling. I just know the thoughts I am having, and apparently I am not processing them well because my legs are giving out for me when I walk and I am trying to dedicate myself to sitting down here and doing my emotional processing for the coaching that I finally got ot sign up for, and I am not proud of myself. I can’T just rely on a teacher fo this. I have to think through the emotions and sometimes the meotions that come to my mind for the program may not be the emotions that she would have in mind observing me. People judge me differently than I judge myself, and think that I am harder on myself than I actually am. I have so many eleoquent thoughts when I am cleaning house
Today I violated one of my buckets for a donut, salsa and chips after eating a green bean casserole and not completely finishing the said green bean casserole. My hands felt swollen and my brain was incredibly foggy and then I was going to come down here and journal. It didn’t feel great, and I was sad that I did choose that when I had something planned, that I thought I wanted to do. I am scared of doing this all wrong. I used to quickly type all my essays for college. When I would type, it didn’t seem like I would put spaces in the middle of words like I am doing while typing this entry today. I also notice that a lot of my -ing endings on words tend to turn into “ign” endings. That’s not unheard of, as in deign, feign, sign, malign… oh, word lists feel relaxing.
I was having exciting thoughts earlier this week about helping the decluttering people and helping people to work on their kitchens. I notice how much clutter is tied to weight, and weight is tied to anxiety about food, and food is the focus of diet brain. I wonder how much poverty is due to diet brain, that’s an interesting question.
People are stuck in feedback loops that demean them. We are all stuck in feedback loops regarding the feelings of those around us.
This reminds me of cynthia feeling bad about the church not helping with her sex trafficking rescue ministry, and it reminds me that my former campus minister’s wife hasn’t written me back to see if their ministries dovetail at all. I wonder if she even had time to sit and listen to audio messages. I don’t always have that time. I wonder if it’s appropriate to ask.
I wish I knew what to do with my own anxiety before I recognized my family’s anxieties coming into the mix. Bryan looks super anxious when he gets home, and it really feels like Iam neglecting him. At the same time it feels like I ma really neglecting the house because there is clutter everwhere I go. Today Christian asked to get toys out of the scary area of the furnace room. He wanted to play with his pj masks toys but when I asked if he was willing to clean up other toys in order to have permission to play with the PJ Masks toys, he gave up. I wish I would do a better job of taking care of the toys in the area the kids play in.
I keep noticing all the clutter on my desk and I am thinking through all the steps I can remember from our coaching program, and how we’re supposed to do our journals. It occurs to me that I’ve forgotten the initial step- the step that makes coming to the table to do some journaling less threatening- begin by reviewing the things that are working. So here’s what’s working:
I am noticing my hunger levels throughout the day. I am noticing when I am not hungry, and i’m even noticing how the level of satisfaction I choose for one meal affects the next mealtime or two-even to the point of affecting when I am able to eat breakfast. I am kind of afraid of not being hungry, and I’m still not sure how to deal with that.
I’m also running models in my head constantly. They sound brilliant, while I am thinking them through, but I don’t remember them by the time I sit down. I am not sure what to focus on, my brain is kind of freaking out and spinning a lot wondering whether I’m doing the right model for every situation.
I*m feeling stuck before running a model so I was going to listen to emotional processing stuff. Since it’s come up for me several times today that I’m afraid of how my husband will feel about my weight loss or about me being successful in yet another goal while he feels to helpless to set goals,
I apparently will distract myself with facebook and look for evidence that::::
He is stressed.
Circumstance: Bryan says, “I need to take a shower!”
I am thinking “Bryan is stressed, and I failed to support him”
Feeling: Fear, sadness, shame high frequency, bouncy, sharp emotion that zig-´zags through the body and feels hard to catch.
Action: Overeating, not writing on my journal, yelling at the kids, hiding in my office, distracting myself with endless research loops (how do we end the research loops) Look for evidence of whether bryan is stressed, blame myself for bryan’s stress, take responsibility for bryan’s stress whether or not I know what is going on in his head
Result: Breaking down and creating a more stressful situation when Bryan is stressed.
T: How objectively can I describe this emotion
F: Curious, hopeful, neutral, in control
A: Look for descriptors for the emotion. Write down the descriptors
R: Feels the emotion without stress. That’s the goal.