I’m exhausted and I can’t be doing this right

I keep forgetting the step where you think of all the good before you do your brain dump so that your brain dump isn’t as dumpy.

I had a moment earlier today where I was thinking why I am sooo sure that this is going to be the program that I finish winning with in life. I wonder sometimes why Laura Dixon is the only thing I consistently and reliably remember all week long every week. I do think it’s revolutionary and that it’s encouraging. I love her style, I love her hope. I love that she’s gentle and compassionate and I reflect that gentleness and compassion until I get self conscious about myself. I was having all these good thoughts while I was doing dishes. Darn it. Typing isnt as productive as writing. I lost track of a banana today, and it might have ended up in my stomach, because I lost track of it inside of ten minutes, and I was more full than I can explain with the slice of zucchini cake I ate (that’s a vegetable. A vegetable.)

I get a little freaked out about the magnitude of the possibilities I imagine for myself. When I realize how some of the people I most dearly admire like Pearl Barrett and Dana K White have benefitted from things I’ve done- specifically writing my recipe for THM based gelatin butter for pearl, and writing and talking about how decluttering using dana’s method is beneficial for my movement disorder so Dana sees the benefits of her method, I realize how near and in need of human connection the “famous” people that are accessible in my life are to me. I used to call into a radio show on occasion, when I was just a teenager, and the host would seem really thoughtful about my thoughts. I make people thoughtful, and I think that’s good.

What if I could do something that benefitted everybody? That would be cool. What if I signed up for Laura’s course, and Dana signed up for Laura’s course because of me and felt free and her business just SHOOOP! took off and then Cas saw Dana and joined too and that helped her business and her show to take off meteorically in popularity AND she was free from the guilt and shame and pain that is still so evident on her youtube when she’s processing her mistakes during filming for HGTV… and her self-deprecating humor which she doesn’t look like she deserves because she looks successful. What if I did my thing and it spread to the whole nation because I was a good steward of myself? I might be OK with that if my family still felt the same. But they don’t often allow your family to stay the same when you are famous. They keep Cas in New York filming and her family is still in Canada. Poor thing! And Bryan is overwhelmed by how much easier it is for me than for him to make connections at church, let alone with a freaking nation. I don’t want to outshine him because I don’t want him to devalue himself. I want to become more courageous so that he becomes as courageous as I believe he should be, and we can be successful together in a meaningful way, truly connected in a deep way.

I lost so much weight initially and then I freaked out and it doesn’t fully make sense to me. I was comfortably down to 178ish. I’d been simply following my buckets and it went way fast. I felt comfortable and then I just completely freaked out and did a 180 and gained five pounds. I didn’t know if I’d lost weight or not because I was weighing myself repeatedly and seeing 180 before I even started, and ten I started my period at the beginning of this process nad it was like zooop, 187, and I’ve obviously lost nine pounds and then gained four or five or six…. not all nine… but then my scale broke two days later, and then I bought a new scale, and five days after I got the new scale I slammed my finger in a window and spent the lunch hour in the emergency room for FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS because the people at urgent care were too freaked out by the peeling fingernail area to just shove some stitches into it. They sent me to the ER without even stitching it up. SO now even typing or writing seems hard. that makes the journaling for this course intimidating because in all cases it is physically painful. I’m definitely wondering if it is all subconscious self-sabotage, and it makes me wonder if I can outrun my self-sabotage.

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