Post: Journaling

What’s working? Today I knew my body wasn’t as comfortable as it could be when I ate my breakfast. It’s nice to know that I’m rewarding my body well when I eat by letting it be comfortable right now. I had a lot of anxiety today and I let it be there. It felt like a problem.

I tried going to a friend’s house yesterday to visit, and I ate some snacks in the beginning thinking that I could manage my hunger level. Reality was that I was pretty self-conscious and I wasn’t measuring my emotions, and I really wasn’t focused enough to tell myself that I wasn’t full. I was also feeling really anxious about my kid eating extra snacks like a wild child who is never going to get yummy junk food again. My friend was experiencing shame for having so much junk food to keep the little kids happy, and I was struck with compassion that she eats her own ethnic food alone, without either her kids or husband. Food is such a part of identity and that looks so lonely. I’d eat spicy foods with her. I was sad. I feel like running into the past and saying, “New rule! No one eats spicy noodles alone!”

God never left this country alone in its time of famine. He prepared a culture of spicy food in advance, so that their hearts could be satisfied when their stomachs were not.

And here we are. I am dealing with the shame of being a greedy gluttonous christian in a fattened and self-absorbed society. And supposedly getting out of the shame allows you to retain your knowledge that life without greed is your preference, not a rule imposed on you solely from above.

I definitely felt like I had a win when I realized my body didn’t feel the way I wanted it to after breakfast today. At the same time I felt like I was really losing out on breakfast because I hadn’t taken care with my eating yesterday to leave some hunger for today. A careful moment’s reflection reminds me that there was a lot of salt on the food that I ate for snacks yesterday (ergo my headache at the moment) and it will take water and time to flush that out so that it is not reflected on the scale.

I was a little bit thrown off this week in my scale work (not that I’m doing written scale work, that was a goal) because the scale I was using suddenly simply stopped working. I wasn’t sure if I should try to go forward with just body and feelings and sensations because that’s the part of me I most want to develop, or buy a scale so that I can do scale work and measure my progress. I definitely don’t want to feel dependent on the scale, but I do. The purchasing experience of my scale was one that I was blessed by and feel thankful to God for, because I was feeling some guilt that I no longer trust analog scales, as the last one I purchased was broken in mere months. I was thinking of buying one from Wal-Mart, but I didn’t, because I don’t trust the quality. I instead went to Marshall’s and got a discounted scale- the only one they had- for about the price I was hoping to pay at Wal-Mart– not the price of any of the scales that were listed online for grocery pickup. I was able to get in and out with a minimum of time and a reasonable price, and was glad. If I’d only gone directly from there to Dollar tree to get my coffee filters, that could have been a pleasantly short trip, but I made the mistake of shopping at Sam’s club instead first and got lost wandering aisles for twenty minutes before finding out they have the wrong coffee filters and so many that I wouldn’t know how to store them- and they weren’t even as cheap as the small package of filters at the dollar tree across the street! That felt like a waste of time and I was a little frustrated that I didn’t even have the courage to check what they cost before driving to one of the stores.

Model: Desire:

C: I see something

T: I want to feel that comfort.

F: Desire.

A: Ruminate. Imagine pleasure and comfort. Withdraw into my imagination. Don’t imagine consequences. Imagine only pleasant outcomes. Don’t feel secure.

R: I’m desperate for comfort.

C: I am talking to someone

T: I want them to value me.

F: uncertainty

A: Ask questions that request a placating answer, manipulate others to compliment me, ask for reassurance constantly. Don’t look for my own values. Don’t look for God’s values. Don’t look for eternal rewards. Forget that people who have high callings draw envy from others and that envy destroys everyone.

R: I place my value in others’ thoughts of me.

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